C.A. Coleman (pariah164) wrote,
C.A. Coleman

And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part XI

I apologize for the break; various issues beyond my control happened. But I am still here, Still tackling the fail that is... Maradonia. Hit it!


Fucking finally. Celebratory drink~ \~/

So, our heroes and their new army come across the kingdom of the mermaids. Maya, our curious Mary Sue, decides to stay and pay a visit with her escorts while Joey and the others go to Dolphin's Gate, the location of their final test.

Read back a bit folks; I believe the last test is the 'Fire' test. I'm actually looking forward to this, believe it or not.

Back on topic, Maya approached the lagoon with her escorts and soon sees some mermaids. She marvels at them a bit, and then Libertine flies over to introduce Maya to the merfolk.

"Maya...? Maya has arrived? Is this really Maya, which our 'Queen Aquamarisha' had called for help?"

Aquamarisha? Pfff, really? Wow, just. Wow. \~/\~/\~/ HOW ORIGINAL. Our mermaids welcome Maya with open arms, admire her legs, then go to get something for her. Maya admires the city beneath the ocean for a bit, and the mermaids return with a string of pearls and a snail shell to let Maya breathe underwater. Okay, Maya, remember the last time someone tried to give you gifts? BAD SIGN. But she takes it anyway, and all is well, because obviously, mermaids are more good guys. \~/

But as Maya dives down, she has a flashback of almost drowning back in Oceanside! Trauma ensues, but Maya recovers with the help of the Mermaids. Apparently, the name of the underwater city is Awanata, which means turtle.

Really, it does? In Native American Miwok language? Holy shit, she did more research, MY BRAIN, IT CANNOT HANDLE IT. \~/

So after exploring the underwater city, the other mermaids ask Maya to save their queen from King Pollo.

"They brought our queen to their castle at 'Mountain Peak Glacier' where he built a water park along for her and for twelve of our mermaids who are captured with her."

\~/ Water park? Maybe water prison would be a better phrasing for it...

Anyway, Maya finally realizes that it's getting late and she should probably get back to her brother and the army so they can save Maradonia and get the fuck out. Maya meets up with her escorts, fawns over her necklace, and worries about the last test.

And just before they fully leave the lagoon...

Then they saw several large baskets at the rim of the lagoon close to the rock pillar at the right side. Maya walked towards the baskets and found fish and fruit in abundance is separate baskets.

More provisions. For people who don't need to eat. *facedesks* \~/\~/\~/ Whyyyy.

Maya then summons the mermaids to thank them for their gift.

"No..., no, we want to thank you for your visit!" The mermaids answered like a choir of unity. "We all hope to see both of very soon again. Some of our mermaids are very excited to meet your brother. They can't wait to see him!"

A small part of me hopes and prays they are an all female society who think eating males grants them eternal youth. But I know I'll be disappointed. \~/

And end chapter!

Chapter drinks: 11


Ohohoho this is gonna be good.

So, Maya returns to find the camp in semi-chaos and Dimitry dead. Hoh shit. Turns out some of the people found out he was dabbling in the witchcraft cookie jar, and since King Astro banned that shit, a man named Goran killed him. Now, I read that as Ganon and laughed my ass off at the imagery. \~/

What does Goran have to say for himself? A captain by the name of Yuma will fill us in. Awesome!

'If we do not eliminate this pestilence from our own camp we well be all intoxicated and overpowered by the sickness of witchcraft.' Goran also said, 'it is our duty to eliminate all witchcraft because without cleansing our own camp from witchcraft there is no way to win the war against the powers, the principalities and rulers of darkness.'"

Sigh. Another piece of bible thumping dribble. "WITCHCRAFT IS MADE OF EVIL AND FAIL HURR." Shut the fuck up. \~/

So, what do Maya and Joey think? Well, Joey agrees with Goran, but still thinks it was a dick move to KILL someone for it.

"He could not kill a man with his own hand, even if this man is guilty of witchcraft and is polluting our camp by drawing the powers of evil by his lifestyle into our midst."

I get the feeling that 'lifestyle' line is alluding to something else; or I could be reading into this too much. Either way, drink! \~/

So the men take a vote, whether Goran should live or die, and overwhelmingly, the troops decide to let him live. Shock. So Joey calls Goran into his tent for a meeting. After Goran flatters Joey with some praise and more contrived fortune cookie wisdom, Joey gets down to business. A reprimand, perhaps? Surely, Goran overstepped his bounds as a soldier in the army by killing a fellow soldier with his own two hands.

"But the reason why I called you, is that I need a right hand to assist me and somebody whom the men trust. Today's vote showed me that you could be the man. I appoint you as my standard officer over all my troops!"

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. \~/\~/\~/ I know this is Joey we're talking about, but come fucking on. HE KILLED SOMEONE. Why the fuck would you put him in a position of authority?! I just. GAH.

Of course, Maya approves of the whole thing, and Joey thinks they have passed the last test because of that.

Remember the name of the last test people. The fire test? Shit ain't done yet. We aren't even halfway through this brick yet.

Chapter drinks: 6


Ooooh yes. I am getting EXCITED. \~/

So, the bad news comes in droves. Long story short, Gertrude is leading a ten thousand man army to deal with Maya and Joey. Basically, Joey and Maya and their small little group of do-gooders are fucked. Maya, your thoughts?

"We cannot fight their powers with our bare hands and protect the people of the land with a small army of flesh and blood."
Maya replied, "Leadership, Joey, is not a right... It is a responsibility and real leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determination. The first rule of winning this fight is... 'Don't beat yourself'."

Wait. What? \~/ Stop spouting pointless drivel and PLAN, would you?! Jesus tap dancing Christ on a cracker.

The next few pages are nothing but Maya and Joey prepping their army and giving pep talks and dishing out more fortune cookie wisdom. It's so boring I yawned. There's not even any fail. SO, for the good of everyone, I will skip ahead to when Gertrude arrives with her army, bringing two others, Ceara and Lorris, along for the ride. Their job is not to kill everyone, at least not yet. They're waiting for smoke signals from Abbadon, because apparently, he wants to come down and finish the job.

Sadly, the smoke signals indicate that Abbadon can't find his party clothes, thus giving the trio of troublemakers free reign to kill the siblings however they want. So they go away to have a super secret meeting of evil and decide. Now, if Gtesch wanted to build the tension proper, she would not give us any insight to the meeting. Leave us in suspense while the heroes try and decide how to escape their situation.

But no. We see the whole meeting, and how the trio decides to make the pair sacrifice themselves in exchange for the lives of their men and horses. Of course, once Maya and Joey are dead, the three of them are just going to kill everyone anyway. This actually made me happy to see. This is what evil people SHOULD do. \~/

As Maya and Joey despair over the lack of miracles to help them out of this mess, the trio of evil comes back and lays down their proposal. The siblings are given all the time they want to think about it, so long as they don't leave camp. Cue Maya and Joey weeping bitterly and lamenting their short lives. Sigh.

They lay down on the altar and start imparting last words upon one another. What does Joey pull out of his backpack? And old teddy bear. Named Fluffy. They shared lots of memories.

"Now I'm the commander of a mighty united army of the 'Valley of Imma' and 'Fluffy' will die with me. Fluffy will die for the freedom of our men."

Hoooooh boy. \~/ The whole dramatic sense she was trying to give? Slain with the whole teddy bear nonsense. It just made me laugh.

The rubber on their shoe bottoms begin to burn, and they realize this fire is real, that they can't step through it like they did last time. And then the fire burned and burned...

No, it didn't. You know Gtesch is not going to let her Sue/Stu team die now, right?

Sagitta has arrived with 'Dionysus' the third creature of light with the face of a man.

Wait a tick. Dionysus is the god of wine in Greek mythology. Gloria, stop marring the good name of Greek gods, damn you! \~/\~/\~/

So, Gertrude and company are forced to retreat, since Sagitta and Dionysus completely destroy the ten-thousand man army. They also revive the few members of the army that were killed earlier thanks to one of Gertrude's pals. Apparently, they were killed to show how "serious" they were about killing everyone.

Maya and Joey then thank our pair of creatures of light for saving them.

"You have found favor before men and before the kingdom of light because faith was found within you."

More. Bible. Shit. God help me. \~/\~/\~/

With that, our heroes lift camp and make haste toward King Astro's territory, hoping to get there before Abbadon can get his hands on them.

If it weren't for you meddling holy beasts!

Chapter drinks: 9

Drinks this installment: 26

Total drinks this spork: 211

I can't even anymore. *headwalls* I now have a massive headache. SEE YOU NEXT SPORK once I get into the school vibe and all that jazz.
Tags: maradonia, sporking
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