C.A. Coleman (pariah164) wrote,
C.A. Coleman
pariah164

And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part XII

Just when you thought it was safe to come back to Livejournal... I'm back. And so is the fail.

I apologize for the long absence, as I've been busy with school and fighting them over my financial aid. But like I said, I'm going to get through this even if it kills me. And it's now summer; I have no plans, no parties, and no job.

Let's do it.

CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR - THE MURACO SWAMPS OF GARDENIA



Another picture I actually like... I'm scared.

Anyway. They talked about how they crossed the 'Maradonia River' (\~/) with ferry boats, and arrive at the aforementioned swamps, which is apparently super dangerous to cross. Thoughts, Joey?

"There are two quick ways to disaster", Joey said to Goran, "Taking nobody's advice and taking everybody's advice."

... Que? \~/ What the everloving fuck does this have to with anything?? Seriously, Gtesch, where are you pulling this BS from? Confucius say you are full of shit.

So Joey tells Goran to ask his men if they know anyone who can navigate them through such rough terrain. Cue introspection!

He was thinking about his situation, sitting as commander of an army on the back of a unicorn and giving orders to people who trust him blind!

No, that's not sinister sounding at all. \~/ Goran comes back; apparently, nobody in the army is swamp savvy. Sadness. But someone came across a pair of fishermen who know the area! Joey wants to see them, so Goran goes to retrieve them. The fishermen aren't all that willing to help out. So how does Goran handle it? By pulling out a sword.

Because brute force is ALWAYS the best solution. \~/

So we have Keegan and Mansur, who plan to lead the army to the wrong part of the swamps and then liberate them of their goods so they and their families can GTFO of the swamp. Understandable. Cue them meeting Joey and Joey asking loads of questions about their personal lives, including if they have wives or kids. Keegan and Mansur go with their massive deception plot. Oh noes, how will our heroes see through these lies?

Add another notch to your 'Joey Is A Dick' count.

"We have to make sure that these men will not lead our troops into disaster or into death and I have decided that we will take their families hostage and reunite them again when we have made it through this place."

... sdkfja;slkdjf /flips table

I would like to again note that this is one of the good guys. I just. I can't even. \~/\~/\~/ Of course, Maya is ~*PROUD*~ of her brother.

Maya whispered to herself, "Look at Joey! He is getting stronger every day..."

Sigh. Maya, you and your brother are doing things that would make a gang proud. You are letting Joey be a dick more and more; why he hasn't defected to King Pollo's side is anyone's guess.

So, Joey spouts some more fortune cookie wisdom, and because of their families being in danger, the two fishermen led them through the safe part instead. One of Mansur's kids, Danny, now wants to join the party. He's eleven. ELEVEN. I know, our main characters are 13 and 14, but still.

"Yes, my name means 'judge' and my mother, who left us, gave me this name and said that the day would come when I have to judge and to choose between good and evil between right and wrong. Please take me with you!"

Geh. \~/ What eleven year old talks like that? Well, I guess if he was well-educated, but come on. He was raised in a swamp.

So, Danny and Joey talk and through Danny, Joey learns that the men were originally going to lead them into the dangerous part of the swamps. Scandalous! So Joey and Maya confront Mansur, who admits he was going to to that, but apologizes and says it was for his family. Maya and Joey gain +2 Sympathy which leads into an almost page-long speech from Maya.

"A mistake or a failure is also a new opportunity to begin again more intelligently. Success does not consist in never making the same mistake. I mean to make the same mistake a second time. I have a suggestion and I want to discuss this with my brother Joey before I will go into further details. I would like to see both of your families leave the swamps and come with us. We are on a mission and we have crossed the seven bridges of temptations' and now we are are on our way to 'King Astrodoulos'. There are over three hundred men with us from the three villages in the 'Valley of Imma' and over time it will be an exceedingly great army."

... Wow. Okay, drinks first. \~/\~/\~/\~/ Seriously, wtf those first few lines. They don't make any sense. What mistake are you talking about, Maya? Being born?

Either way, they agree that the families can go along with them, and everyone is happy, and the families burn down their huts after they get all the stuff they need from them. I guess so Apollo won't try to track them down or something idk.

Chapter end~

Chapter drinks: 12

CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE - MAYA'S NEW FRIEND



How appropriate.

So, Keegan's family owns a dog. A golden retriever named Phoenix. I am really getting sick of this inconsistency. It's a magical place where animals can talk and spout wisdom, and yet Gtesch felt it necessary to include a normal dog.

The truth was that she could not take her eyes off the dog. Maya always wanted to have her own dog but she was not allowed to have a dog at home because her father was allergic to dogs and cats.

SELF INSERT. \~/ Has to be. Of course, Keegan is happy to give Maya their family pet because she's obviously a beautiful and wonderful person.

"I can see how much she loves our 'Golden Retriever' and I think Phoenix would make a fine present for Maya."

\~/ Gag me. Also, bitch please, I don't care what someone did for me; I would not give up my family pet. Especially not to a Mary Sue with oily hands (lookit me, referencing past chapter LIKE A BAWS).

The rest of the short chapter is basically talking about how Maya and Phoenix are awesome and how Phoenix gets along with Maya's unicorn. Oh, and how the families are awesome at helping the troops.

Maya and Joey were pleased with their presence and it was the right decision to include these two fishermen families into the service of the assembly.

Sigh. You're boring me again, Maradonia. Stop that. Also, something is bugging me. Go go gadget dictionary!

Assembly, –noun:

1. an assembling or coming together of a number of persons, usually for a particular purpose: The principal will speak to all the students at Friday's assembly.
2. A group of persons gathered together, usually for a particular purpose, whether religious, political, educational, or social.
3. Government . a legislative body, especially the lower house of the legislature in certain states of the U.S.: a bill before the assembly; the new york State Assembly.

That word, Gtesch... It does not mean what you think it means. \~/

Aaaand chapter ends there. A little less awkward, but not much.

Chapter drinks: 3

CHAPTER THIRTY SIX - THE ROYAL CALVARY



Another semi-decent pic, but looks too much of a clusterfuck for my taste. Anyway.

So our crew approached the 'City of Selinka' which is apparently the capital of Maradonia and home of the illustrious King Astro. About damn time, I say. As they approach the city limits, cue a group of flag-bearing horse riders approaching. Fill us in, Goran!

"That might be the famous cavalry of 'King Astrodoulos'." Goran mentioned, "But in the 'Land of Maradonia' there are at each and every corner new surprises."

djlkjasdhf \~/\~/\~/ The grammar fail. I can't even.

So the cavalry and our heroes finally meet. The general of the riders introduces himself as 'Felipe'. \~/ He is going to accompany 'The Encouragers' (\~/) to King Astro's estate. Yes, estate. Not castle. I think that was a little bit of thesaurus fail on Gloria's part. Oh, and the name of his estate? 'House of Kra'. \~/ Is that anything like a Waffle House? No?

Of course, Maya and Joey are already famous, because otherwise they wouldn't be a proper Sue/Stu duo. Everyone and their mother is going to want to meet them once they enter the city, according to Felipe.

"Everybody wants to have a little glimpse of you and if somebody has a chance to touch you, they will get hysterical."

I would get hysterical, too. I mean, I don't like having oil on my hands. \~/ Felipe goes on to talk a bit about King Astro, again mentioning he has no wife or kids. Is this important? Is Gloria attempting foreshadowing again?

Okay, I predict it here and now: Astro either adopts or honorarily adopts Maya and Joey as his kids. You heard it here first, folks.

Felipe compliments them on their horses, but gets too close to Maya and sends Phoenix into a barking fit. Stop protecting her! She's not worth it! He also talks a bit more about King Astro, claiming he already knows all about their exploits. How? Do the magical mystery beasts like Sagitta and Cato send telepathic messages or something?

He asks about the unicorns more (he's a massive horse fan, apparently), and the siblings explain they freed them from Gertrude after stepping through her wall of fire.

"What? You jumped through the fire wall and you are still alive? How is that possible? The king of the underworld has given Gertrude the gift of creating three forces, the wall of blackness, the wall of fire, and the wall of water."

Pff. \~/ Okay, I can understand how a wall of fire might be a bit tricky, but you can probably just step through blackness and you can definitely step through water. Waterfalls, anyone? And to answer that first question, they're a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu; they have to be able to live through everything ever so the plot can move along.

So Maya and Joey tell a bit more about their exploits, even going so far as to call Sagitta their friend. Awww. Eye-covered eagles need love too. Felipe is overwhelmed.

"You call Sagitta your friend and you even met Cato?" The General had big drops of sweat on his forehead which fell on his uniform and more sweat came out from under his helmet. Then he gave a signal for a sudden halt, stopping his riders and said, "I need a rest! This information is too much for me."

Oh geez. \~/ Are you sure you're not just dehydrated, Felipe? Oh wait, this is Maradonia, where you don't need to eat or drink anything ever. Lawl.

So Maya and Joey tell a bit more about their exploits as they rest, claiming that they concentrated on inner strength and faith to jump through the fire. No, it's called the Power of Sue. \~/

Soon enough, they move again, and one of Felipe's men recognizes Maya's unicorn...

"Isn't that Imperator the king's favorite unicorn? And the two others, I'm not quite sure but I believe one of them is Blackpool the 'master of the unicorn jumpers'."

... So, in Maradonia, even the unicorns are freaking Mary Sues. \~/\~/

It's more storytelling now, basically a recap of the past thirty-five chapters. Sigh, so boring. Maya comments just how evil Apollo's forces are.

Felipe said, "I know what you mean. They are consumed by witchcraft and they are pathological liars. They have to lie because it is their nature and everybody who is involved in witchcraft moves in the realm of witchcraft and fulfills so the orders and the law of Apollyon the king of the underworld and the father of all lies."

Ahahahaha wow. \~/\~/ Witchcraft is evil; we get it. No need to hammer it home anymore, Gtesch, but I know you will.

So the next few pages are a bit boring, depicting Felipe sending out his troops to the other kingdoms and tell everybody and their brother that 'The Encouragers' (\~/) had arrived. And also shoots off fireworks.

:|

End chapter.

Chapter drinks: 12

CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN - TRIUMPH IN THE CITY OF SELINKA



So, Maya and Joey enter the city amid much fanfare, and Felipe tells them they are to meet some elders before they meet with the king. Can't they all meet at once? Why separate? Sense, it makes none. Apparently, they're waiting at the city hall, which of course is opulent and gorgeous and all that good stuff. Observations, Joey?

Joey counted three hundred and thirty three steps all the way up which ended on a huge, glassy looking, blue marble plateau which had three separate, opened entrance doors.

Pff, 333? \~/ Silly Gloria, only a 777 can defeat a 666. So the elders greet them, and they sit down at a table to once again discuss Maya and Joey's amazing adventures. Kill me now, please.

Felipe starts to give a speech. A massive one. It goes on for six pages. I shit you not. I refuse to type it, but let's see if I can pick out some choice bits.

Hm... nope. Pretty much boring, basic shit that's full of mundane details about how Maya and Joey are going to save everyone and fix all the problems Maradonia is having right now. And he ends it with...

"Let me present to you today:

The Conquerors!
The Overcomers!
The Encouragers!

Maya and Joey!"


With these words General Felipe bowed down before the elders of the senate and before Maya and Joey.
Then all of them sat down in front of a large banner, which was the symbol of the 'Land of Maradonia' showing seven white doves on a blue background.


Okay, gimme a sec... \~/\~/\~/\~/ Massive six page long speech comes before they even sit down at the table? lfdj;ladkjsfas fuck my life.

Oh, chapter ends there, by the way.

Chapter drinks: 5

CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT - GOLD & SILVER



Pokemon? :D

Oh, no. Angels. Balls.

Anyway, a senate member thanks thanks Felipe for his report and introduces himself to Maya and Joey. His name?

"My name is 'Hilton' and I am from this town and from the estate of the hills."

Ahahahahaha. Hilton. HILTON. Too hilarious not to take a drink for. \~/

Hilton continues on: Maradonia's in danger, Apollyon and his buddies are bad, King Astro knows absolutely fucking everything even though Maya and Joey just arrived, etc. And then...

Hilton clapped his hands and the servants in all their livery got busy and brought food of all kind and fresh fruit juices.

In a land where you don't need to eat. /flips table

Oh, and \~/.

So after eating food, they go on a tour of city hall, courtesy of Hilton. As the title suggests, there's gold and silver everywhere. Where does all this gold come from?

"We receive three ship loads of gold every six months from our 'Goldmines in Ophir'!"

...



O RLY? \~/

More touring, more talking about Maradonia, blah blah boring. I'm sorry. Eventually though, it's time to go, Maya and Joey boarding some carriages to take them to King Astro. Fucking finally. How about some of your insight to close the chapter, Joey?

"Maya", said Joey, "This looks like one of the carriages in London, England where they bring the queen and her family from their palace to one of the cathedrals."

... Yep, he's totally going to adopt them.

So ends this chapter.

Chapter drinks: 3

Drinks this installment: 35

Total drinks this spork: 246

Ugh, as much as I wanted to get to King Astro, I can't do any more today. Have a headache and am now getting a stomachache. I blame this book. I blame it for everything. It makes my life easier. Updates will start to come at a more regular pace, now that I'm on break. Enjoy it, you lucky bastards.

Till next time, fail you later!
Tags: maradonia, sporking
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