C.A. Coleman (pariah164) wrote,
C.A. Coleman

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And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part X

I'm back. U mad? I'm mad.

Whoo hoo! Part ten! My brain is officially too tough for the impending zombie apocalypse. :Db


This chapter of Maradonia is sponsored by Nissan. No, not really, but the joke was too obvious not to make.

So, Maya and Joey got blankets from the kind people at the camp. Huzzah! Also, apparently, they're already close to their last two tests. Already? How have they not failed horribly yet? Oh wait, Mary Sue and Gary Stu. Forgot. \~/

As our heroes stop to take a break at a waterfall and take a swim (stop goofing around and SAVE MARADONIA you twats)...

During this time Montesalem, Lawrence and Nassser, the leaders of the elders of the three village tribes called Justin the commander of their army and all the captains.

... Called them? Wait, I thought this was a fantasy story. What cell phone service gets bars in that area? Sign me the fuck up. \~/

Rest of the chapter talks about how evil fairies spy on them, trying to get information, but Maya and Joey are having fun in the lake; they could give a fuck about saving Maradonia right now. So they hear nothing and soon fly away.

And at the end, Gloria attempts to describe their new, beautiful location. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they have found the lagoon. Finally.

They were in 'awe' of the gorgeous view. The bright light of the sun was shining on a blue silhouette with millions and millions of gold orange sprinkles on the water and it was such a majestic picture which could not be painted in detail by any painter in the world.

"Joey, you must transfer this view into your mind and never ever forget about it."

Ugh. \~/\~/ Are you serious? That description... the run on sentence I can't even. Plus, 'transfer'? Why not just say 'always remember this view'?

And thus the chapter ends~

Chapter drinks: 4


Oh boy, we're getting ghosts up in this bitch.

We're greeted by the sound of the approaching army! Sadly, they don't shoot Maya and Joey on sight. Instead, they almost immediately start setting up, complete with blue flags that have seven doves on them. Hmmmm.... :\a

Maya then asks the easy question.

"Umm...do you think Justin will hand over his command to us without any complications?"

Absolute power corrupts absolutely and all that. \~/

"Well... we have never met the man and so we really don't know. Anyway, we don't even know what his real motives are but I know a wise leader resolves conflicts peacefully and not forcefully.
We don't know yet if he is building up his people or if he is building up his own dream and using people to do it?"

... Did Joey actually say something intelligent? But wait a sec, how did he glean all that just from Maya's question? All the village elders said was 'go meet this Justin guy'. Rrrrgh. \~/

The Maya says something about Joey spitting out wisdom like most people spit out chewing gum. How flattering.

And they soon meet Justin, commander of the army. He immediately denounces the pair for being too young. Thank God someone has common sense in this book! However, once Maya and Joey tell their amazing story, all of Justin's men are in awe and all too willing to accept the pair. Cue Justin being jealous and angry, despite being a good person.

So, what is he to do? Well...

"How am I supposed to know that these are the people we were really waiting for.
Perhaps these are the wrong ones. I shall try to get in contact with spirit of my father 'Kerry'. Maybe he can tell me and help me."

Pfff. \~/\~/ Okay, let's set aside the fact he just wants to go summon a spirit (that NEVER ends well, by the way). Why would Kerry know anything about the Encouragers? He's your dad, he can advise you, but he can't predict the future. He's dead! Man...

Moving on, apparently, there's a guy under his command named Dimitry, and he's a medium. He lives alone in the forest like any good crazy person. He sends two of his men to fetch him.

One of the captains answered, "In fact, this man is with us and he is here in our assembly. He is a medium and the people call him 'Dima'."

... \~/ What an embarrassing nickname. And why are you telling Justin he's a medium? He already KNOWS. Just. Gah.

So here comes Dimitry, and after Justin asks him to perform the summoning, Dimitry freaks out a little. Apparently, King Astro called all sorcerers and mediums abominations to the kingdom of light and cut them off. Well, that's a little douchey; perhaps a call out to the bible calling witchcraft an abomination?

Justin promises no harm will come to Dimitry, so Dima asks for his order.

Justin said, "Bring up for me my father Kerry, the leader of the 'Black Tribe'."

... Oh yeah, this is going to end well. \~/

So Kerry is summoned, and of course the first thing he asks is why the fuck he was disturbed. Justin lays it all on him, asking for some fatherly advice-slash-answers.

"Why do you ask me? I taught you many years ago that a man who cannot obey, cannot command! You have never listened to me all these years. You have not learned your lesson because a person who cannot see the ultimate becomes a slave to the immediate."

... Seriously, WHERE IS SHE GETTING THESE? Because she sure as hell didn't make them up on her own. And what does that even have to do with the topic at hand??? GAH. \~/\~/\~/

"Yes, the command of your assembly is already torn out of your hands and given to strangers namely Maya and Joey and...
Tomorrow, at this time, you will be with me and your command over your men will be given into the hands of 'The Encouragers'.

... Isn't that cheery news? \~/

Understandably, Justin is in despair. What to do?

Chapter drinks: 10


Looks like a Final Fantasy Potion reject to me...

So, Justin decides the best way to keep his spot and end his jealousy is to kill Maya and Joey. Hurray! Wait, that's supposed to be bad... Eh, fuck it. Hurray! \~/

He sneaks into their food supply and pours a deadly poison called Curare into a couple of mangoes. Why would Gtesch call a toxin 'Curare'? And more importantly, why isn't my Firefox marking it as a misspelled word?

... It's actually an arrow poison? From South America? Holy shit, she actually did some research. COLOR ME SHOCKED. \~/

Back on topic, the doves see this act, and immediately fly off to warn Maya and Joey (damn). Joey immediately trusts the doves, and when Justin comes to give them the fruits, Joey calls him out on it while telling Maya not to eat the fruit. this results in Justin calling him a little boy with an attitude problem.

Joey stood straight in the position of a soldier facing Justin and said, "Sir, I will only allow you to give my sister a fruit after you have eaten one of them yourself."
"That's ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous! Do you know who I am?" asked Justin.

Heh. I love when people say that, as if it matters.

Joey basically pulls an "EAT IT NOW BITCH" and Justin find himself with no choice. And thus, he eats a poisoned fruit, and he falls down dead. The men discover the Curare on Justin and Hoppy, from out of nowhere, makes an appearance. Yay!

Hoppy looked out of Joey's pocket, seeing Justin on the ground and said, "Food effect's your Mood!"

...\~/\~/ That's 'affects', and also, no need for more Random Capitalizing, Gloria.

And thus, the army accepts them as their leaders, and as the Encouragers. Sigh.

Chapter drinks: 4


A still life, AKA the best piece of art in the book thus far.

So, Gloria has not forgotten Joey's promise to 'test' the army. What could his test possibly be?

"I will test this army and I command every man in this camp from this moment on not to eat and not to drink anything until I say so."

... You have got to be shitting me. DISBELIEF DRINK. \~/

Cue Maya going "what the hell hero" while Joey goes, "SIT THE FUCK DOWN I GOT THIS." So after fifty hours, quite a few of them (several hundred) have passed out from exhaustion. Joey, why the fuck are you such a dick? Where is Hoppy?! He finally tells them all to get up and drink from the mouth of the lagoon. Understandably, quite a few people threw themselves into the lagoon, while a few others do as they were told and just get a drink.

Basically, Joey was weeding out the weak ones and the ones who didn't follow his orders. In the end, about three hundred are left with Maya and Joey while the rest return to their villages. I understand why he did it but fuck. DICK. \~/

Maya, as usual, is in awe of her brother's supposed amazingness and asks him where he learned such a splendid technique!

Joey pulled Maya aside and said, "I will tell you my secret but this is not for the ears of the escorts." Joey gave his sister a big hug and whispered,
'Today a reader and tomorrow a leader!'


Ugh. \~/ Apparently, Joey read about the weeding out process in a book and just repeated it. ... Dick, dick, DICK. I hate Joey so much. \~/

So, our 300+ hero group moves on towards the Lagoon of the Mermaids. Maya talks about how majestic Maradonia is for over a page, and the ending line...

The assembly was in a high gear gallop bit it took them longer to reach the 'Lagoon of the Mermaids' than they had expected.

... Awkward. SO. AWKWARD. \~/

So ends this chapter, and this edition of the spork.

Drink count: 5

Drinks this installment: 23

Total drinks this spork: 185

So, there you have it. I go away for a few weeks, but the fail is still here. Waiting. Geh...

I know, I was like 'EIGHT PAGE SPORK' but man. There's only so much I can handle when I'm running on 90 minutes of sleep. It's time to go crash. Stay tuned for more.

Good night, and good fail.
Tags: maradonia, sporking
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